Harper Kingsley blog

I saw a thing about how some red beans are toxic. And that doesn’t mean they’ll kill you.

It’s the percentage that makes the poison.

If your blood is 15% more x than it is supposed to be, you’re dead. That’s just how the body works.

Too much water and the electrolytes get unbalanced and you die. Too much electrolytes and your body reacts and you die.

But before that happens there are warning signs you shouldn’t ignore:

• dizziness
• nausea
• headache
• dehydration–“you get thirsty so you drink, then the back of your throat gets that watery sensation and your eyes get teary and then you’re throwing up”-type of dehydration. * lethargy
• general sense of not feeling well
• shakiness
• cold sweats

Eating too much of something your body doesn’t like can make you feel sick. You might vomit and immediately feel better.

But when things are really out of whack in your body system, your body might have to take more drastic actions to keep you from dying. It does what it’s supposed to do, and you should help it to keep you alive. It might be a trip to the emergency clinic if things are bad enough.

Vomiting and diarrhea are signs from your body that you ate something you shouldn’t have. If it’s mild you’ll be sick for a while and get better. If it’s bad, you should get your stomach pumped and a doctor will administer drugs and you’ll be kept on IVs at the hospital.

And one of the warning signs that you didn’t cook your red beans right is diarrhea.

That’s right. If you don’t cook some red beans long enough AND THROW AWAY THAT BEAN WATER you can give a crowd of people “the stomach flu.”

The term “stomach flu” was a catch all term used in the 80s-90s to home diagnose unexplained diarrhea or vomiting.

Nine times out of ten “stomach flu” was just light food poisoning.

Which is why I side-eye the people that are like “I’m not worried about catching x virus. They say it’s like the flu.”–My dude, from the looks of you, you were born in the 90s. YOU are the one most affected by a bad 80s-90s propaganda-style public education system.

Your way-too-young mom or dad probably held the hose for you to drink. We would go to your house as children, and we had no clue your parents were giving us expired popsicles that sat way too long in somebody’s car before being refrozen.

And honestly: that’s why I disdain the concept of a viable world leader sitting proudly on top of a populace of forced poors.

Sure, it’s great to lord it up in front of a group of less privileged people. “Hahaha, YOU didn’t go to The Best School In the Land like I did. My parents got me my own pony and bought the whole ranch so we’d have a place to stable it. And your parents got divorced!”–It’s a good way to make lifelong enemies. If that’s what you’re looking for.

So when someone talks about the seriousness of the flu, I have to wonder what your definition of “the flu” is. Because “the flu” is not like “the stomach flu.”

One is really fucking serious, and the other is “I shouldn’t have eaten that unrefrigerated egg salad.”

If your definition of “the flu” is a childhood memory of the time you went to a picnic and got sick afterward. And you overheard your mom talking to someone about it as “Oh, we all went to a picnic and came home with the stomach flu. It’s been so awful for little YourName. If it’s not coming out one end, it’s coming out the other. The washing machine has been running full blast all week. The whole family was down sick. Except for me. I was so busy cooking I didn’t even have a chance to eat until I got home. Lucky me.” Then you’ve never had the flu. You had food poisoning.

Food poisoning was so widespread in the 80s-90s that parents made up their own term for it as an explanation on leave of absence notes for school.

They didn’t have to say “Little YourName crapped his pants on the way to school yesterday morning and it got all over the good upholstery in our brand new family car! Not only did I have to miss work and get my car cleaned and detailed, but he also crapped his bed and we had to throw away his favorite bamboo umbrella that was made in Thailand. From a whole ‘nother country! It must have cost THOUSANDS of dollars! Anyways, please excuse YourName’s absence yesterday and send home any homework. Thanks.” They could just write “YourName had the stomach flu yesterday. Please excuse his absence and send home any homework. Thank you.” No further explanation needed.

“The stomach flu” was a polite way to say “uncontrollable diarrhea and vomiting” without getting descriptive.

So if your definition of “It feels like the flu” is “I’ve had the stomach flu before. It’s not that bad” then you need to catch up with reality.

The flu kills people.

They don’t teach home-ec in schools anymore. Not the way that used to. And they’ve dismantled the strictest parts of the USDA and the CDC and the guys that give out those pamphlets that promote safe food handling.

There could very well be a big resurgence of “the stomach flu.”

We’ve already got the real actual flu, plus measles and polio and listeria and salmonella and bird flu and… We really need cases of the stomach flu clogging up the medical system.

Stock up on some Pepto. Have some cans of soup ready to heat at home. Get some powdered drink mixes to use until you can get some Pedialyte. Stock up on some toilet paper, paper towels, and tissues. Waterproof sheets are always good to have, as you can fold them up around a mess and take them out of the room to be hosed off. Get yourself some small garbage bags even if you don’t have a matching trash can; that bag will fit in a cooking pot or a mixing bowl no problem.

So yeah, I want to spread the word that there are red beans that need to be soaked for a long time, the water changed, then boiled for a long time, then the water changed or removed, and then the beans can be cooked in your recipe and eaten. Any time before that, you could run the risk of eating an undercooked bean and giving yourself digestive upset.

Edible beans are perfectly safe to eat. As long as you prepare them correctly.

If you are converting to using dry beans when you’ve only ever used canned beans before, please remember to thoroughly cook your red beans. Pintos and lentils and black beans and soybeans are pretty safe. They will forgive your cooking mistakes.

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EXCERPT SCENE: The general himself had entered with the command staff. They wore ponchos and broad rimmed hats, but they still looked as cold and exhausted as the soldiers below them. Their thigh-high boots were stained with mud and dripped into the dirt below the picnic table bench.

“We’re just finishing a new batch,” the cheery-voiced cook said. “It will be about 25 minutes before it’s done.

A major waved a dismissive hand at the cook. “Take your time. We are glad to receive the food.”

The cook smiled and gave a little bow. Then turned to the bubbling pot of All Day Stew and added some more cubes of cooked rabbit meat. “Add some more leafy greens to this.”

A young girl nodded. “Yes.”

She ducked back into the supply area and used tongs to gather portions of vegetables onto a tray. She stuck some spice balls and bottles in her apron pocket. Then added a small basket of washed eggs to her tray as she left the coldshed.

The cook was cooking at another campfire.

She went to the big cauldron and threw in two spice balls (bundles of herbs wrapped with string), hooking their dangling loop ends on the hook attached to one of the cauldron handles. Then she stirred in the vegetables and added some dried mushrooms to the stew.

She used one of the metal baskets to lower the raw eggs into the cauldron. They would be hard-boiled in the stew, then once they were rinsed and wiped clean they would be a perfect snack for someone to keep in their pocket and eat later.

Then before she turned away to go back to the main kitchen tent, she reached into her apron pocket and pulled out a handful of beans that plopped into the stew.

Then she returned to the kitchen tent and went back to prepping for the next meal.

The General’s wife and children and her retinue were waiting for their dinner. She wanted to make sure it was special for them.

/EXCERPT

Excuse me while I catch myself watching “Gal and Dino.” Wtf.

I keep forgetting that I don’t like Swiss cheese all that much.

I’ll happily eat a turkey and Swiss sandwich, but it’s not an enjoyable cheese.

An enjoyable cheese is a cheese you would eat on some crackers. Or eat with some rice. Or cut up into cubes to munch on.

When I was a kid, a Lunchable was a real treat to me. I only got them like a handful of times throughout my whole childhood, and every single time it was like I’d been given a special treat.

Honestly, I didn’t really like pairing my Lunchable with a class field trip. I would have rather enjoyed special food on a regular day so that I could more closely focus on munching on those crackers with meat, with cheese, and with a blob of Dijon mustard.

I was such a big fan of those round pieces of lunch meat. I don’t think I’ve found the exact same thing outside of a Lunchable.

And if I have come across the same thing, I haven’t recognized the flavor because those Lunchables from yesteryear have the flavor of nostalgia.

They were simple trays of crackers, cheese, meat, a single-serving of mustard, a napkin, and an Andes mint.

I didn’t need a Capri Sun in my Lunchable. I preferred the cracker meals and the Andes mint always brought me joy.

I have a particular fondness for Andes mints. They were the after dinner candy our favorite diner would give out when we paid the bill.

That restaurant is a core memory for me.

I made some congee for the first time.

I remember my mom feeding me something like it as a toddler, and even then I didn’t like it.

The flavor of the rice is made different. Like, I can eat a bowl of white rice. I can eat a bowl of white rice with water. But cooking the white rice to mush in the water? Nope.

The texture and the flavor, it’s not my favorite.

I tried some congee plain, and it was really not for me, even with side dishes added to every mouthful. The jellified rice and the thick, oozy rice water don’t bring me any fond feelings.

I did put some sesame oil and fish bouillon in a small amount, and that was very tasty. The consistency still isn’t my favorite, but I could see eating a bowl of flavored congee for an emergency meal.

There was a bit of rice leftover from dinner and I didn’t want to put it in the fridge or throw it away. So I added some water and set the rice cooker to the Oatmeal function.

I think that even if I myself don’t like the consistency, I can see turning the leftover spoonfuls of rice into dog food.

Leftover rice, a few shreds of leftover meat, some water or broth, then let it cook on the oatmeal setting.

It seems like a good way to get a senior aged dog to eat enough food and water. They could just lick it up.

I could see adding a cracked egg and stirring it in; some pieces of carrot, broccoli, peas, squash; meat bones that can later be fished out after they release their flavor; and/or cooked fish skin and bones that will disintegrate for added calcium.

Plain congee is not my favorite.

But having tasted it, I could see eating it if I was hungry and unable to get different food.

I like oatmeal. Though I don’t really see oatmeal as a "dinner" food, though there are plenty of recipes out there for "savory oatmeal."

A big canister of rolled oats or quick oats can be used to…

• make oatmeal
• make muffins
• make bread
• ground up as replacement flour
• make oat milk
• make granola
• make cookies
• crumbled up and used in meatloaf or meatballs in place of wheat bread crumbs
• ground up and added to the liquid used in a smoothie
• make dog biscuits

Rice, oatmeal, flour, self-rising flour, brown sugar, granulated sugar, honey, vanilla extract, salt…

I saw someone mention that mixing equal parts self-rising flour and plain greek yogurt will give you a dough that can be used to make donuts. You could just mix the flour and granola together, and fry/air fry the donuts as rings or balls. Then roll the cooked donuts in powdered sugar or cinnamon and sugar or dip them in a chocolate or maple glaze.

Or you can mix the self-rising flour and greek yogurt and add different donut-type ingredients to your dough like…

• cinnamon and sugar
• vanilla extract
• chopped/grated pieces of apple or pear
• cocoa
• lemon juice and lemon zest
• lemon and poppy seeds
• blueberries–dried, frozen, fresh
• maple syrup

I have the Dash Mini-Donut maker–which I always forget I have–so I might just make some donuts tomorrow.

Even without a donut maker, making donuts can be really easy. And it’s inexpensive.

You just have to accept that nothing you make at home is going to taste as mouthwatering as a greasy grocery store donut you eat directly from the grocery bag while putting on your seatbelt after climbing into the car.

That sense that you’re doing something wrong, but you went out and gathered supplies so now you deserve a little treat.

The flavor of an earned donut is so much different from picking a day old dried donut out of a pink box someone left at work.

So as long as you accept that nothing you make at home is going to taste exactly the same as what you can buy… Making donuts is a fun thing to do at home. If you screw it up, you can change up your recipe next time. You can experiment and work through to make a donut you think is good, and for the same cost as a dozen store bought donuts you can get the ingredients to make three or four batches.

I’ve even bought one of those microwave donut makers before. I didn’t like that it’s made out of some kind of hard plastic, and my donuts came out more steamed than donut-y, but I like that the idea of the technology exists. Maybe if it was glass or ceramic and it fully enclosed the donuts rather than being a half-tray, it would have had better results.

So maybe somewhere out there is The Perfect Microwave Donut Maker.

I have a Dash Mini-Donut Maker so I’m not desperate for a microwave pan. But if I were traveling around the country and staying at different motels that have microwaves in the room, a microwave donut maker would be a nice little gadget to have on the go.

And all this babble is to say that I’m thinking about making some donuts.

And I’m not very fond of plain congee.

And maybe I’ll look to see if there are recipes for donuts using leftover rice. The congee had a well-stirred yogurt consistency to it. So maybe there are congee donut recipes out there. And with the addition of some chia seeds, I could make a donut that has a full serving of fiber.

Cooking is an adventure. As long as you don’t make too much at one time, if you screw up a meal or two it doesn’t have to be a disaster. And at least you can prevent the boredom of eating oatmeal for 6 out of 10 meals.

~Harper Kingsley

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