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Today is my unbirthday.

Happy unbirthday to me. Happy unbirthday to you. Unless it’s your birthday. Then happy birthday to you.

I will be posting for my unbirthday for the next 12 days. Enjoy!

Reading this novel and… Opening scene: Heroine gets bitten by a poisonous (venomous?) snake. Hero saves her life by sucking out the poison. She rests on the side while he completes her farm work. They both go back to their everyday lives. The romance novel begins.

So, I figure everything past the initial snake bite is a venom-induced fantasy produced by a dying brain. And what we don’t see is the guy panicking and shaking her body as her eyes are rolled back and she’s frothing at the mouth, blood bubbling out of every orifice.

SHE NEVER GOES TO A DOCTOR!

It’s bad enough he sucked the venom out with his mouth, likely killing himself too, but afterward they’re just like “Everything is good now. Back to normal life” and she doesn’t even get checked out at the commune clinic or anything.

It’s like when someone writes about someone having an allergic reaction and they’re like “Character receives epinephrine shot. Allergic reaction defeated. Back to the story” when in reality it’s a race against time to get the person to the hospital within 15 minutes after giving the shot so they can receive treatment FOR THE STILL HAPPENING ALLERGIC REACTION.

There’s so much bad biology takes out there that everyone just accepts as normal. It is 2026 and people just accept that stuff as hard fact.

I am surprised more humans don’t die everyday than currently do. Just bananas.

• epinephrine is given to keep a person alive until they can receive medical care

• after an allergic reaction, there is likely to be a secondary allergic reaction. Get to a hospital and stay there.

• snake venom should not be sucked out, as the sucker will be poisoned

• tourniquet the snake bit extremity and go to a hospital for antivenin

• anuses are not self-lubricating

• lactation requires pregnancy, or the introduction of hormones

• a penis is not long enough to “breech” the cervix, and if it is long enough to mash against the cervix, it’s very painful and non-masochists do not enjoy it

• there is not a secret opening into the sphincter that will bring amazing pleasure to the dick that reaches it

• surprising someone with piss-, shit-, breath-, weird object insertion-, gun-, etc. -play is not fun or edgy

• carbon is not a treatment for an open wound

• butter, ash, oil, mayonnaise are not treatments for burns. If someone is splashed with boiling water or hot stuff, rinse with cool water for at least 15 minutes and contact medical professionals.

• do not mix a bunch of cleaning chemicals. You don’t get a better clean; you get found passed out or dead on the floor.

• nutritional yeast does not give you yeast infections. Nutritional yeast is cooked, so it’s dead, for one thing. For another, that’s not how yeast infections work.

• eating rabbit meat when pregnant won’t give a baby a cleft lip

• the sky is not blue

• people do not see through their irises. You look through the pupil.

• sperm DNA is not stored in other people’s bodies. If a paternity test says that’s not your kid, that’s not your kid. No, your lady did not have sex before meeting you and that man’s sperm DNA has not been stored in her body waiting to transform your baby into someone else’s offspring. Your lady cheated on you, sample reports were mixed up, babies were switched, or you are a chimera. But no, sperm DNA does not remain forever in someone else’s body like something out of a sci-fi story.

• humans are not ready for reproduction just because they’ve begun displaying signs of puberty

• people do not need to be kept awake if they have a concussion. Once someone has received medical care, it’s actually better for them to sleep as their body can fully focus on healing the damage.

• worm eggs can survive 2 years in carpets. Why are you walking around barefoot in random motel rooms?

• eggs are nutritious and not as bad for your heart as previously suggested. It was that people usually paired eggs with bacon and cooked them in bacon fat. Or they would eat a fried steak and eggs everyday. Eggs are not the overarching problem, cooking methods are.

• fluoride prevents tooth decay. A toothpaste or mouthwash containing fluoride is an easy way to prevent cavities.

• carnivore diet is a dangerous fad. Colorectal cancer is on the rise. Constipation, which can be caused by a lack of fiber, can contribute to colon cancer. Eat an apple. Eat some leafy greens. Don’t pack your insides with red meat and gristle.

It is a miracle the human race has lasted as long as it has. But some people out there are definitely out to shorten some lifespans with misinformation and just bad advice in general. Because that’s what the algorithm likes: misanthropy.

It had been a long voyage. Longer than the time that had actually passed. A small eternity trapped within the confines of a spaceship hurtling toward a planet hostile to life, but that had valuable minerals tech billionaires were willing to pay good money for.

He’d boarded the ship full of dreams of future wealth. Hadn’t even minded the tight confines of the quarters he’d been given–a single bunk with a small locker within a dormitory cabin he shared with 49 other men–and had seen the shared amenities as the price to pay for the work he’d accepted.

When his two years of service were up, he would go back to Earth and his family with a hefty bonus to add to the fat monthly paychecks his family would be using to survive while he was gone. He would be able to get a nice house on a large plot of land and he’d be able to sit out in his yard enjoying the open sky and the sweetness of mother nature. Two years didn’t seem like such a sacrifice.

Except it was more like five years, as the voyage from Earth to Mars would take a year and a half each way, the company not wanting to use more expensive fuel than they had to. It was easier to have the ship travel at slower speeds, as the time of the people aboard ship was cheap to the executives running big companies.

He had accepted the sign on bonus and that was that. Ever since his signature went on that piece of paper, he’d been a piece of equipment to the company rather than a possible consumer of their products.

In the darkness of his sleep cycle, resting within the cramped confines of his bunk with the curtain drawn closed, he would wonder if he was ever going to be allowed to go home.

Once he finished his term, how willing would they be to ship him safely home? Or would it be cheaper for them to "have an accident" that resulted in his death? A one-time million dollar death benefit paid to his family was much easier than taking him all the way back to Earth.

He didn’t know if it was the depression of living within the confines of the ship, with its recycled air that always had a bit of fart smell to it, but he was beginning to worry about whether he would ever see his family again.

He wished that he’d studied more about spaceflight. The things he’d learned from the friends he’d made amongst the other miners… It terrified him.

Sometimes when he was alone with his own thoughts, he would think that he could feel the cancer growing inside him. His bones decalcifying. His organs shifting and warping within the blood filled bag of his skin.

He would make himself scared when he let himself think of his growing doubts about the company and the company’s plans for him. He would wonder if maybe he needed some extra vitamin D. If maybe the lack of sunlight was giving him depression or something. But he knew that the hull of the starship barely offered any shielding from cosmic radiation, which was why the company had made the decision to forego windows altogether.

There was no looking out at the barrenness of space. No gazing at the blinding light of the sun. No fantasizing while gazing at stars "whizzing" by the porthole windows.

Space travel was nothing like he had imagined as a child. And maybe he had lied to himself about how things were going to be when he’d accepted this job. But here he was: On a spaceship headed toward a poisonous planet that was bombarded with more radiation than was good for long-term survival.

And once there, he would be given a narrow bunk and a tiny locker in a shared dormitory of the underground habitat that would be his home for the two years of his work term. A human tool used by the company to make more money than he had ever seen or would ever see in his entire life.

Lying on his bunk, he imagined himself as a saw or a hammer mounted on the wall of his garage above his workbench. And if he closed his eyes hard enough and quieted his breathing, he could imagine the sounds inside his house, of his wife talking to the children in the living room while the TV played his favorite show in the background.

Homesickness was a real sickness. Like the cancer he feared would grow inside him. Both brought the shadow of death into his mind. Both made him wish his family were near at hand, for him to hug and kiss and talk to. But they were on Earth, and he was here. Somewhere between Heaven and Hell. Hurtling toward a strange planet that would never be his home.

=END=

~Harper Kingsley

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