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0 comments on "Social anxiety is hell"

Social anxiety is one of those things where people don’t believe you have an issue. There’s always this sense of “Get over it.”

If that were possible, I wouldn’t have it.

I posted on some forums and now I’m stressing out because no one’s responded. And I’m not really scared of what they’ll say, because most people don’t go out of their way to be jerks.

No, I’m afraid I’ve made a fool of myself on the internet again. Just the thought of thousands of people judging me and deciding I’m terrible makes me afraid. I start sweating and I get nervous and my stomach churns with acid. I can’t stand the idea of being hated even by people I don’t know.

And do you know what helps? Talking about what I’m afraid of. Then step-by-step I work my way through why my fears are ridiculous. And then I think of some things that I can do if the worst happens.

1. There’s billions of people in the world. Why am I bothered by a few that I will never meet? And besides, not that many people visit this forum and that doesn’t mean any of them will care about the topic.

2. Everyone makes mistakes. Delete it if it’s bad, otherwise don’t worry about it. If someone asks what I meant, I’ll just explain or not respond. Seriously, who I talk to is my choice, and that includes not answering if I’m not comfortable.

It’s people that try to come up with excuses that end up building a castle of lies and get into trouble. Just don’t say anything.

3. Don’t feed the trolls.

4. I sounded like an asshole, but even if it became big news on the internet for some reason, a surprising amount of people don’t care. Just be cool, keep my head down, most everything blows over
eventually.

Seriously, social anxiety disorder is hell. But it’s liveable, manageable hell.

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0 comments on "My trees are pollinating"

The maple trees are sending out little white and yellow specks of dust. Just a rippling tide floating out of the air. Tiny dry specks that can be blown away.

I should write that. A society so advanced they use plants to breed. Your DNA added to some beautiful tropical flower and allowed to pollinate other flowers. Then a zygote for human implantation or budding pops out. To walk in and see a baby suspended in a large pod, floating nourished in a fluid filled pocket.

It’s like Aeon Flux in the connection to nature.

I wonder why people don’t breed plants as organic machines.
Genetically modified to do whatever we want naturally.

I’m not seeing living spaceships quite yet — how long can a giant clam hold its breath? — but I can imagine sting shooter plants, oxygen mask plants that fit over your face, and living houses with edible carpet and walls (think Chia with like hemp seed worthy growth.) People would never have to be hungry or homeless again.

Of course, before we have a bunch of botany miracles we need to be able to handle our pesticides. Our worst science seems to be the unsafe testing of chemicals and the release of horrible toxins without knowing the results. So I could imagine the horror of coming back to your house dead, one side just withered and nearly burned away.

And if you had a plant house, you’d have to be careful what you ran down the drain. The house would use your gray water as nourishment, so you would have to watch what soaps you used to keep from killing it with chemicals. Maybe it would always be richly oxygenated too? Though hopefully not to spark equals explosion levels.

Honestly, the future seems scary to me.

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Read slashy plotty stories at Kimichee.

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1 comment on "There are times when I’m completely manic."

There are times when I’m completely manic.

You don’t realize how powerful it makes you feel. It’s like the really good drugs … And just like them it’s super dangerous. Like careening off a cliff dangerous.

One minute it’s all laughter packed into your chest, everything looks vibrant and bright, and you’re completely in love with yourself. You look in the mirror and you’re just BEAUTIFUL and you feel STRONG. And you go out partying or whatever and it feels like you can do no wrong and nothing will ever be able to hurt you.

Then somehow, all unknowing, the world changes — or maybe it’s you. You’re the one that changed.

And for a little while everything is too bright and too frightening before shrinking down to an expanse of solid gray. It crushes in on you before you catch your equilibrium and for some length of what feels like forever, you’re completely broken off from all that’s good.

And it takes a while to recharge, to climb back up to the heights of magnificence. Sometimes the gray tries to cling to you, to take away your every joy. But you have to find something you love and cling to it.

You need a reason to stay strong for when you’re screaming from the rooftops or hiding in your cellar. A dog, a friend, a family, or a lover.

You need something. Or it drives you manic.