1 comment on "Today was a bad day"

Today was a bad day and I’m having a hard time pretending that it wasn’t.

Everyone seemed much happier and more relaxed once I left the living room and went upstairs.

I guess the problem was me. It usually is.

*

I haven’t been posting a whole lot because I don’t want to bring everybody down. In my depressed moments, there’s a gaping well of blackness inside me, a bottomless drop ready to pull in anyone that’s not ready for it. Then things cycle, and while the complaint still lingers on my lips I’m laughing about something and I forget all the reasons why I was so angry and upset.

Realizing that you’re spiraling doesn’t help. Especially when everyone around you is picking you apart at every moment.

It’s exhausting.

*

Everybody’s so unhappy. It’s like the house is full of poison.

No matter what direction I turn, there’s only frowning faces. And being me, I can’t help switching to Appeasement Mode, which means receiving tons of abuse and not having the emotional wherewithal to deal with it.

There’s a lot of anxiety involved when you’re driven to make unhappy people happy. Especially when they don’t want to be happy.

Because even knowing that it’s all fake–that none of the anxiety, the dread, or the overwhelming sense of despair are real–they feel real.

And if you live something deep enough, long enough, doesn’t it become real?

Maybe I’m projecting my unhappiness to some degree, but not completely. It’s a fact: I am not the only unhappy person in my family.

I’m just the only one willing to admit it.

Faizel 02 at Amazon
1 comment on "Times in my life"

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There are times in my life when I feel as though I’m falling into the moment.

My skin is melting off. And no one else can see. But I feel the weight pulling me down.

It’s strange. — The breaking apart. // It leaves me breathless.

One moment I’ll be washing dishes. The next … here I am.

My fingertip throbs with a deep, badly healing gash. // I must have forgotten to take care of me again.

Sometimes I wander through the grocery store, squirreling away the monthly supplies. It feels like everyone is looking at me. (They are. They are. They so fucking are.)

I think learning programming languages is calming me down. // It’s like I’m visiting a whole different world. — I made a JavaScript thing (Story Prompt Generator).

Time is passing by — it takes me with it. // I worry sometimes that I’m going to forget myself and disappear.

But worrying does nothing but add to worries. // Everything is going to be all right.

Somehow.

An Elderly Lady is Up to No Good at Amazon
1 comment on "Issues"

This is my fifth (sixth?) time attempting to write this.

It’s nothing too bad. I promise.

It’s just that money is a problem, and as I currently am, I cannot make or hold onto a whole lot of it. It’s pissing my family off.

I feel like I’ve been on the brink of a breakdown for YEARS. Ups, downs, all arounds — it’s getting harder and harder to keep smiling.

I’ve got an appointment in the weeks to come. Maybe it will be all talk therapy and I can keep on keeping on, or maybe it will be medication — which can get a bit weird.

Remember the crazy ranting of my teenage years? Yeah.

That was when all my poetry dried up. Though I’d already stopped talking to you V. because my brain makes everything scarier than it has to be. Credit to you for trying to keep in touch, but there wasn’t much you could do from the UK for me in the USA.

(When the light falls dim
in darkling shade
with winterberry hearts
I drink and think.
Would you remember
what I do?
Would you hold on
like me?
Oreo-kisses and girl sighs
overhung by the world
cast in silver linings
I breathe in the moon.)

Its been years and gone. My life since has been polite acquiescence to the whims of my mental health. Cutting things out, dimming things down, folding myself up into a little box while the world outside passes me by.

Its reached the point where I’ve either gotta fix my brain enough to get an out-in-the-world job, or I’ve gotta fix my brain enough to be able to build and maintain my author brand.

As it is, without structure and guidance, I’m losing track of time and my schedule falls all to pieces. I need to be able to focus, and I can’t.

I’m anxious about the appointment. But its been a long time coming.

~Pax

Panoply at Amazon
0 comments on "Prompt: 106. Hawaiian shirt"

Prompt: 106. Hawaiian shirt

1. Dad was wearing his lucky Hawaiian shirt and whistled a jaunty tune as he came inside. It was a warning that he had news to share.

A. Dad was wearing his lucky Hawaiian shirt and whistled a jaunty tune as he came inside. It was a warning that he had news to share.

The children shared a look across the table and all did their best to be quiet and unobtrusive. Dad would be focused on Mummy, and as long as they didn’t draw his attention he would take Mummy away for the evening and they would both be happy in the morning. But if anyone spoiled his cheery mood…

2. The evidence bag held the tattered remains of a Hawaiian shirt.

A. The evidence bag held the tattered remains of a Hawaiian shirt. They didn’t know if it was part of their crime or not, but it had been there at the scene. They had a ragtag pile of evidence to sort through and a tale of woe to assemble.

“Geez. Here’s to hoping they catch this guy sometime this year,” Jacobs said. He waggled his eyebrows at her across the sorting table, putting a remarkable amount of emotion into them. Enough that she could read him behind his full face mask.

She laughed, a huff-huff against her own mask. She’d never seen him outside of full-body protective gear, surrounded by the detritus of death, but she loved him.

3. On realizing that he’d gained a worrying amount of weight, he began wearing Hawaiian shirts and grew a beard to hide the extra chins.

A. On realizing that he’d gained a worrying amount of weight, he began wearing Hawaiian shirts and grew a beard to hide the extra chins. He didn’t even think about exercising.

Not until he decided to take a flight of stairs rather than using the slow escalator and found himself gasping for breath before he was even halfway up.

That was when he had his life-altering epiphany. That was when he began working out with the fervor of a religious convert.

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