Today is my unbirthday, so I am going to unleash some gifts upon you.

IN THE GARDEN
by Harper Kingsley

Flowers bloomed beneath the morning sun, dew kissed petals opening wide to embrace the light and warmth. Bees and bugs rose from their lazy slumber, the buzzing of their wing beats rising to an audible hum. Birds began to call and sing as the world came alive. Colorful butterflies fluttered and swirled in their joyous dance.

Buried beneath the earth, the sleeping summer opened their eyes and began the cheerful stroll upward into full ascendancy.

Spring embraced summer. Was subsumed by summer. And summer emerged to take pride of place.

And the world was warm and bright. Plentiful and pleasureful as animals born in spring enjoyed the everyday of their new existence, never having tasted the touch of winter cold.

They lived their all, and all was good.

I saw this thing today on my feed where they were talking about a Twitch streamer that was cooking and started a grease fire in the pan. From what I could see, she immediately snatched up the pan and ran it under water in the sink… causing her sink to flare up with fire.

Okay, kids, fire safety time:

1. Get a fire extinguisher for your kitchen. Even if you never use it, having it is a good idea. (And occasionally, you might have to shake it up to keep the chemicals inside from clumping. Check your manufacturer label.)

2. SALT is the best for putting out a grease fire. Just sprinkle it on, and it will quickly absorb the bulk of the oil, depriving the fire of fuel. (When I was a teenager, I was cooking once and dropped the pan right into the burner, and that whole metal basin (it was an electric stove with the rings) WAS ON FIRE. I dumped like half a canister of salt in there, and the fire was gone, though it was a messy cleanup. No burns for me!)

3. BAKING SODA is also good for putting out grease fires, though you need to use more than you would of the salt. So if you’ve only got a few pinches left in the box, you’re not putting out a fire with that.

4. DO NOT USE BAKING POWDER to try to put out a grease fire. It’s a mix of baking soda and other ingredients, and those other ingredients ARE NOT fire friendly.

5. DO NOT USE WATER to try to put out a grease fire. Oil and water don’t mix, so the grease fire basically rides on top of the water to spread out everywhere. PLUS the water droplets release steam, which will help SPLATTER the fire everywhere. A cup of water on a pan of grease fire will basically EXPLODE outward, and not only will your kitchen burn down but you’ll likely have really bad burns and need skin grafts. You know, not a lot of fun.

6. DO NOT USE FLOUR to try to put out a grease fire. The flour itself might plop down and put out the fire, but more likely the little particulates of flour in the air can catch fire, and they float around, and it’s just really really dangerous. (Like, back in the olden days, flour mills were known to BLOW UP, scattering bricks everywhere, when the dry flour in the air would ignite. That’s why there’s no smoking in the flour mill. Super dangerous.)

7. DO NOT USE SUGAR to try to put out a grease fire. What happens when you cook sugar? It turns all liquidy before turning into brown crystals. So, if you throw a bunch of sugar on burning grease, you’re going to end up with LIQUID HEAT splashing everywhere, and if you get that on your skin, you’re not going to have any skin. Sugar + grease fire = burning hot ouch everywhere, and your house likely turned into ashes.

When the fire is on the stovetop, put it out with salt. If it manages to reach your cupboards, use that fire extinguisher. And don’t hesitate to call the fire department if you need them.

So, to recap: If you accidentally start a grease fire while cooking in a pan, shut off the burner if you can. Pop a lid on the pan if you have one, as even grease fires need oxygen to breathe. If you don’t have a lid or you’ve spilt the grease on your stovetop, don’t hesitate to POUR salt on top of the fire. And if the fire is spreading or is larger than the pan or a little area of dribble, use your fire extinguisher.

Whatever you do, DO NOT PICK UP THE PAN AND SWING IT AROUND. Hot oil is a lot more splashy then cold oil. You will be surprised by how quickly the burning oil will slosh from one side of the pan to the other–and back again. So you swing that pan, the oil sloshes outward from you, but very well might slosh back onto your hand, your arm, or the whole front of your body. You’re better off carefully sliding the pan off the hot burner, as a moment of care is safer than panic-flailing with a pan of flaming oil.

If you catch on fire, stop, drop, and roll. And IMMEDIATELY call the fire department and the ambulances, because you might not realize you’ve been burnt until the adrenaline wears off. (And be aware: trailing sleeves are just as dangerous in the kitchen as they are around moving machinery. And a lot of synthetic fabrics melt, so be aware of what you’re wearing while you’re cooking. It might be worth the extra few seconds to strip off a floppy shirt before dealing with the grease fire.)

Anyways, stay safe. Keep a canister of salt close to your stove. And respect fire, because it doesn’t respect you.

Pax,
~Harper Kingsley

P.S. One time I was making a pre-made family-sized beef and gravy pan-meal thing in the oven, and I didn’t have a cookie sheet so I used a piece of tinfoil. (I was very young at the time.) And when I tried to slide the paper pan onto a plate, it folded in half and dumped bubbly hot gravy all down my knees and shins.

I peeled my pants off and left them on the kitchen floor before RUNNING into the bathroom and immediately turned on the shower to cold water and jumped in. After about a minute of shivering, I turned it to cool and stayed in there until I was absolutely sure there was no burning or pain in my legs.

I didn’t get a single burn.

I did not want to add a plugin to have external links open in a new tab (links to Patreon, Ko-fi, Twitter, etc.) so I added the "base target="_blank" HTML to my WordPress header.

So now, external links open in new tabs, which is what I wanted, but internal links are doing it too. Ugh.

I don’t know how to fix it yet, which is enraging, but I will keep pounding away at the problem.

If all else fails, I guess I’ll have to install a plugin, but I would prefer not to have to do that. As it is understood that the more third-party plugins get installed, the more chance of vulnerabilities being installed as well.

sigh This week has been bloody murder on my nerves.

IS IT GAY TO WASH YOURSELF

There has been a growing conversation about personal hygiene. Brought to the forefront by the pandemic, people have revealed things about their washing habits that no one had known before.

Including–and most especially–the fact that a lot of people don’t feel they need to wash from the belly button down. Because the shower water will trickle down and clean things with no added attention necessary.

So…

Yeah. People have had a lot of thoughts about the non-washing of other people, and the non-washing of themselves and the reasons why.

Because it seems like everyone simply must explain the reason why they don’t wash or why they don’t wash particular parts of their bodies.

I attempted to stay out of the conversation, but it has crossed my timeline several times. And thus has had a chance to sink into my brain.

And I can stay silent no longer.

Not when I’ve seen multiple people express the sentiment that they’re worried washing their own bodies will make them gay.

You heard that correctly.

Somewhere out there, parents are teaching their children to not wash themselves because it will make them gay.

And people live that life. Not washing themselves for fear that it will make them gay.

That’s one of the saddest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Because at it’s core, it’s not a fear of seeing something, feeling something, and having some great deviltry enter a person’s mind from the outside.

It’s children being taught to fear themselves.

Instead of morals and commonsense knowledge, they are being filled with tiny terrors and imaginary devils that are going to turn them into something monstrous and weird.

And when they go out into the world, and they’re unable to connect with the people around them, they think "That’s the Devil in them. They recognize my goodness, my righteousness, and that’s why they don’t want anything to do with me."

And they go to their church, and the church people accept them as they are, and they don’t realize that the church people are simply being nice by not speaking their real thoughts. Because "everyone is accepted at church" is part of the community that is organized religion.

Meanwhile, the true overarching problems are not being addressed. And if hygiene is 90% of the reason why someone can’t find companionship…

The words need to be said:

No. Washing your own ass DOES NOT make you gay.

It is simply basic hygiene.

Sexual attraction toward those of the opposite gender is natural. Sexual attraction toward those of the same gender is natural. Sexual curiosity toward those of any gender is natural.

Non-sexual attraction toward others is natural as well. That’s where you want to be someone’s friend. Or you want someone to want to be your friend. Or you admire the look and attitude of another person and wish you could be like that. And it might come across as you having a crush, but really you are simply nervous because you don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of someone that you admire.

Having feelings is natural.

They’re just sometimes really hard to deal with.

So I can’t imagine always carrying such a terrible amount of fear with me every day AS WELL AS THE REGULAR FEARS that come with the human condition.

Because fear is good. Fear let’s you know when a situation is suspicious. Fear is your mind reminding you that your body is breakable and you should do your best to protect it from damage. Fear gives you something to overcome.

But fear should not be all that a person is.

Fear should not curtail every bit of a person’s happiness. Especially if it’s fear impressed on you by someone else’s worry about your sexuality.

Because people discover their sexuality, which means it’s already the way it is.

Someone else trying to move the points on the map doesn’t take away the destination. It just makes it harder for a person to find it.

So no. Washing your own ass does not make you gay.

It just means you don’t smell like shit.

Pax,
~Harper Kingsley