If the final days of Twitter gave me anything, it was translated Chinese novels. I’ve found some really good ones, like “Dao of a Salted Fish,” and I’ve found some really bad ones which I hastily did not finish (DNF).

And then there are ones like “Farmer’s Pampered Wife: Farming Crops to Raise a Bun” or “农门娇宠:养个包子来种田” as it is likely better known as.

And it was so long. And there was SOOOOO much needless family drama that didn’t really offset the lack of action. And I really wanted to like it after putting so much effort into reading the 537 (five HUNDRED and thirty-seven!!!) chapters.

But…

Oh my god, dudes. Oh. My. God.

It started off interesting enough with a modern woman waking up in the body of a peasant woman in old timey China. And she was really ugly with a starved body and a giant facial birthmark and horrific body odor that makes herself vomit to smell it and the previous owner had done horrible things like helping her mother and sister be abused by their terrible grandmother and that side of the family and cheating on her hunter husband (who she forced to marry her!) with the local man-floozy and poisoning her toddler with chili peppers to damage his vocal cords so he isn’t able to talk anymore. Just, from the descriptions, an all-around UGLY person.

And the modern woman has to deal with that level of HISTORY while being back in historical times where it seems pretty legal to beat a woman just because. Like, she’s almost murdered by the townspeople MULTIPLE times, as in, more than once and no less than ten times. Like, EVERYBODY hated that lady.

And she’s dealing with all that past history she’s figuring out as she goes along, while trying to take care of a traumatized child and living in a peasant hut with a husband that DOES NOT like her or trust her.

So she starts by cooking delicious foods. And she’s lucky enough to find a rare and precious scorpion to sell for a LOT of money. And she gets rid of the horrific armpit stench by cutting something that the translation only showed as ASTERISKS and putting it on her pits, but it was so astringent that she had to fight to keep from screaming at the pain.

But she solves the stench problem and begins to fix the no food/poverty problem. And her life starts to get better. And she goes to town and makes a deal with the apothecary guy to sell herbs and to sell a “miraculous” herbal diet recipe that she collects royalties on. Because she knows a bit of herbal dietary lore and acupuncture because she’s moderately amazing.

And the town doctor–who seems to disappear later on–helps her with a method to cure her giant facial birthmark which involves a scar reducing cream AND A SNAKE BITE. Like, she has to let a poisonous snake bite her directly on the face. Which causes part of her face to rot and she drains it by poking needles and starts wearing a veil around all the time, so nobody realizes when she starts getting more and more and MORE pretty.

And then a restauranteur comes to town and she joins the cook-off he hosts to find chefs for his restaurant. But she doesn’t become a chef, she instead sells recipes to him that he uses and she makes a lot of money. And throughout it all her dad’s mother and his family cause her all kinds of grief. Like, the horrible cousin that moves to town spends her whole portion of the story trying to get mc KILLED by various means and is all around awful.

And throughout it all, mc is upbeat and somewhat enthusiastic. No matter the trouble that finds her, she’s able to pivot things to her advantage. And her husband is gradually falling in love with her and helps her more and more and…

And that’s when the melodrama starts.

Like, she starts her own restaurant and her and her husband build a two-story house. And the apothecary guy is murdered so she helps the son. And the floozy guy that the previous body’s owner was cheating with turns out to be a really rich guy with a wife and multiple women he cheats with, which really brings into question why he bothered with the smelly lady in the first place??? And like, he has thug boys and people have to be scared of him, but earlier her husband punched the guy a bunch of times and she fed him wine with chili peppers and caused his lips to swell up to the point she was accused of poisoning him and…

Like, after the building of the house arc, it seems the author decided to take things in a whole new direction. And rather than creating new characters, just recycled the ones already in place to fill new roles. Because that floozy man seemed like a poor layabout dude, but suddenly he has a manor house and the kind of wealth where he can kill whoever he wants and only needs to pay off the local officials, no big deal.

And like, the dad’s family… Suddenly the sister-in-law has a secret lover whose identity we never find out, even after her loser gambler husband who rapidly went downhill throughout the story killed the guy and cut off his genitals.

And then there’s war, and it turns out her husband actually has a secret identity where he was a general that’s been living in hiding for the last three years with the son that’s not really his son. And by the way, she was actually a virgin before they finally made love for the first time in the story. And she finds out that the kid wasn’t hers and…

DRA-A-A-A-A-MA.

The whole time I thought they’d been married for at least 5 years if not longer, but it turns out they’ve only been married for less than three. And NOBODY told her that she was the stepmother to the son and that the previous body owner didn’t trick a single guy into marrying her but a single dad.

And then she’s fleeing with her neighbors and her sister and dad as refugees after her house and restaurant were burned down and her mother was killed. And she’s pregnant and they get robbed by other refugees because they decided for whatever reason to help the loudmouthed cousin who is like “There’s food!” every time she gets a little bite to eat, which results in them getting attacked and losing all their money.

And the restauranteur guy, who has feelings for her, is fleeing with them and he has some money and he must have hidden like 50 buns on his body somewhere and he keeps them alive and pays for the inn when they get to the city and helps them start up their new life. And the apothecary son guy shows up again with the rich girl fiancee that she previously helped, and they all end up living together in a mansion and starting a food stall business where they sell shrimp and crab that are so delicious the emperor himself actually uses them in a banquet to celebrate the return of the victorious general… her husband.

And she gets reunited with her man, and it should be happy forever, but the emperor wants him to marry the scheming girl that shows up multiple times attempting to steal him away. And she has her baby, but it’s a difficult birth and she pierces the veil or whatever and talks with the previous body’s host…

And finds out that the previous host didn’t die, but that they instead switched places. And she has to decide whether she’s going to stay in the past life or return to her previous life, and of course she stays in the past.

But she never asks about the family she was worried about before. And she never thinks that such a horrible person might be doing horrible things in her life. And she’s told that she will eventually start to forget modern stuff as she fully integrates into her new life and…

For reals: She’s going to forget life in the future. But after she wakes up and spends a month being sick in bed, she NEVER ONCE even thinks “Maybe I should write down all the recipes I know and all the other information for when I forget everything.”

She just goes about living her life… and gets kidnapped by the restauranteur who is now working for the bad guy and also turns out to be a bad guy himself. And he drugged her and made everyone think she was drunk and maybe sexually assaulted her? Which brings the previous time when she argued with her husband and got drunk in the guy’s restaurant into question… as well as the paternity of her child? Because she got “drunk” after they argued and spent a night out, and the story is really unclear about the timing of things, but a couple months later she finds out she’s pregnant so…

And throughout the whole story until the last like 50 chapters, the restauranteur guy had been a really great guy. There were even a couple of chapters from his point of view where he reveals that he always thought he was going to end up as a bachelor forever because he’s never had feelings for anyone before he started having feelings for her. And he sacrificed so much to help her and her group to get to the city when he would have had a much easier time alone.

It just feels like the author HAD to make him a bad guy because they realized that readers would advocate for mc leaving her husband for the restauranteur. Like, they have so much more in common and he’s such a helpful and pleasant guy… He HAD to be made into a villain or else mc’s husband just seems like a much lesser dude.

The whole story… Sigh.

I slogged my way to the very end… which turned out to be rushed and hasty to the point of whiplash. It was like, “Drama, drama, DRAMA, the end.” No wrap up. No real conclusion. Just a big dramatic bunch of stuff happening at the beginning of the chapter and THE END at the bottom of the chapter.

It was 537 chapters, and I was left feeling like the author could have squeezed out another chapter or two to make a more satisfying conclusion. Like, there didn’t need to be any added melodrama, just a roundup of events and a bit about what everyone is going to do next.

Because she started a massive restaurant in the city, but the end, which was like four paragraphs, made it seem like she and her husband were going to give everything up and move back to the country?

And like, she spent like 200 chapters pregnant, then she had the baby and… That’s it. I don’t think she ever holds the baby other than that one time. She’s off running around the city and being kidnapped a bunch and going places she’s specifically told not to go… and it never says who’s taking care of the baby for her. Like, she’s got a little maid now, but that kid hangs around her waiting to be told what to do.

I feel like I wasted 537 chapters of my life, lol.

DRAMA!

Pax,

~HarperWCK

Panoply at Amazon

I know I tend to get outraged about what seems to be minor things…

But come on!

There was a foodsaver commercial and it irritated me so bad. Like, you have this machine that uses rolls of plastic bags that you cut to the size you want so you can vacuum seal your foods to prevent waste. So if you buy in bulk or you go hunting or fishing you can save and freeze all that meat.

Good idea. Especially if they can come up with biodegradable bags. Which they haven’t yet.

Right now, the machine uses plastic bags, and everyone knows that plastic isn’t good for the environment. (Don’t get me started on the evils of the potato chip industry and their non-recyclable bags.) But if you want to save your meats for longer than a year or two in the freezer, the only real at-home option is vacuum sealing it.

So the commercial shows the guy gleefully creating single-portions of vacuum sealed meat. Which, by itself, is a little irritating, but I guess understandable.

Then he vacuum seals half of an avocado.

WTF dude???

I get that people at home are going to do wasteful shit like that. It’s a given.

The same way someone’s freezer is going to fail and they’re going to toss half a ton of vacuum sealed meat into a dumpster somewhere. Which will create a NIGHTMARE for some poor garbage handlers.

But making a commercial that purposefully shows someone vacuum sealing half an avocado? Really dudes? Really???

For one thing, avocados are not that precious. Eat that half an avocado tomorrow. Buy new avocados two years from now. Or if you’re worried the end of the world is going to happen and the only thing that’s going to save you from starving is that half an avocado… Maybe it’s time to start growing your own avocado tree. (I think you need two of them to actually get fruit.)

Like, that half an avocado is not only wasting plastic, it’s taking up room in the freezer and every day you keep it is costing you dollars and cents of electricity which eventually adds up to the point that you could have just bought yourself a new avocado.

For reals, that whole “saving you money!” slogan was just the topping on the soft serve shit ice cream that commercial was serving.

Do you really only eat half an avocado at a time? Then get yourself an avocado saver.

Amazon ADLINK: https://amzn.to/478LnjW.

The one shown is just half an avocado put face down into the contraption and strapped in place. Eat that half within a couple of days and there’s no waste. You can use the avocado saver multiple times.

And sure, it too is made out of plastic, which is, by its very nature, bad for the environment, but you’re going to use that thing multiple times versus a bag you’re going to size to half an avocado and then discard. Cost/benefit analysis, my friends.

Something you can use for years versus something you use once and throw into a landfill.

Or if you wanted to be really cool for the environment, get a glass container with an airtight lid. As long as you leave the pit in the avocado half, it won’t immediately start rotting and you can eat it a day or two later.

Eat avocados. They’re delicious and healthy. But don’t use a love for avocados as an excuse to destroy the world.

There just comes a point where people have to get a grip. And just avoca-don’t do that.

Pax,

~HarperWCK

Heroes & Villains at Amazon

It’s that time of year again.

Pumpkin everything, yes, but also when the cold winds start blowing and the winter chill inevitably sets in. And the old winter clothes get taken out of storage, and hats, gloves, and scarves become normal fashion accoutrements.

This year, in advance of the coming cold, I’ve bought myself a hot water bottle. It’s a normal one with a cute face cover and it’s pretty nice. Plus it was really cheap. (Double nice!)

Amazon ADLINK: samply Hot Water Bottle- 2 Liter Water Bag with Cute Fleece Cover, Bear Blue.

I bought a normal hot water bottle rather than the silicone-type that can go in the microwave because I was worried about leakage. So I figured I’d get an old dependable model now, and then get a microwavable one in the future.

The one I got cost around $10, and you can’t put boiling water in it, unlike the silicone-type. So later, when it starts getting colder I’m going to get a silicone one and test it out. And if it turns out to be leaky like the reviews hint at, I’ll still have Old Dependable to fall back on.

If I knew how to knit, I could have saved a few dollars and bought one without a cover. But since I’ve found out I really suck at yarn crafts, I’ll just have to put up with the microfiber bear face.

I know a hot water bottle seems very old-timey, but there’s a reason why it’s a classic. I’ll be able to throw it between the sheets a bit before i go to bed and it will be nice and warm. If I get the silicone one, I’ll be able to hug one and push the other one toward the bottom of the bed to heat my feet. Plus Banjo will probably LOVE it once she realizes the benefits.

Amazon ADLINK: HarperWCK’s Amazon Page: Health and Beauty.

I’ve added some hot water bottles to the Health and Beauty section of my Amazon shop and I’ll probably be looking at more as I try to figure out which one I want to buy in the future. (I’m poor, which means a little extra searching on my part to find good stuff.) So if you want to take a look, I hope it saves you some search time.

Even right now, I’m testing out my hot water bottle and it’s actually really nice. The heat radiates through the cover and it’s not too hot to hold.

I was a little worried that the water I used was too hot–I don’t want to melt it–and now I’m not sure how I’m going to refill it in the future. I mean, am I going to pour out the water and reheat it, or am I going to use the water for other stuff and put new water in? I really don’t want to pour the hot water bottle water into my kettle since it’s probably dirty (undrinkable) now and I don’t want to have to scrub out my kettle everyday.

It’s the whole reason why I want a microwavable hot water bottle. Just fill it once, then reheat the same water in the future.

I’m really going to keep an eye out for a microwavable hot water bottle that also has a big enough mouth opening to add regular sized ice cubes. I just want to avoid any with reviews talking about leakage. I mean, a liter of water poured into my bed in the middle of a cold night seems horrible and I don’t want to experience it.

Anyways, it’s that time of year again. And while this autumn has started off very mild (there’s been a LOT of sun here and plants are STILL producing new leaves and some are even making flowers) I want to be ready for when the weather turns. I don’t want to be huddled in my coat in the living room, shivering and chattering my teeth while my fingers ache from the cold. Not again. NEVER again.

So in conjunction with the new electrical wall heater, I have high hopes for my hot water bottle(s) and my fleece leggings. And soon I’ll probably get a new winter coat. It’s been a long time since I’ve bought one and my old one is ready to become a backup model.

Pax,
~HarperWCK

Witch King at Amazon