Our cat Lemon passed away January 26th from organ failure. From the X-ray/CT scan the vet said her heart was too big, likely a condition she was born with, and her lungs were failing. So they painlessly euthanized her.
Since she was little we’ve been dealing with her asthma, but because the inhalers are so expensive we weren’t able to get her a full body scan. It was either inhaler or scan, then if the scan said she needed inhalers we’d be out of luck. So we went with the vet’s assumption of asthma and treated her condition as best we could.
I feel bad because I used the Devil Brush on her and pulled her skin and I spent a whole week suffering from guilt and not knowing what to do. And I still feel as though I added to her misery and worsened her condition and I’m a terrible person and…
But really, the reason why I bought the brush and started trying to groom her myself is because she hadn’t been grooming herself. Not for awhile. And she was having more asthma attacks where she would lay in the hallway and pant for breath.
There would be nights when I couldn’t sleep because I would worry that she would die and nobody would be there.
And I don’t really know what would have been worse: Being there when she passed away, or finding her stiff in the morning.
But this whole week has been so hard.
Cats and dogs come into our lives, and inevitably–for most of us–they leave first. And we’re forced to say goodbye before we’re ready.
POEM: For Lemon 1/26/24
I don’t know if there’s a heaven for cats
or what happens after any of us die
but I hope I see you again someday
somehow or somewhen
and I can touch your fur again
and stroke your soft head
and hear your little “Mew!” as you demand “More!”
To feel you wind around my legs
and hear your bell jingle as you run
so that I always know you’re there
even when you’re hiding under the chair
or running up and down the stairs
and peeking in and out of my room
letting me brush my hand down your back as I lay in bed.
The feel of your little feet on my chest
the pleasant feel of under your chin
the sight of you curled up in front of the heater
or taking up the whole chair
even though your body was small
your presence so much larger than the physical you
making me miss you like I lost a giant piece of my soul.
I wish I’d taken more pictures
and saved more memories
because the without you is forever
and I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again
or if this life was it
and our moments have passed
and I’ve lost my sweetest friend.
