Our cat Lemon passed away January 26th from organ failure. From the X-ray/CT scan the vet said her heart was too big, likely a condition she was born with, and her lungs were failing. So they painlessly euthanized her.
Since she was little we’ve been dealing with her asthma, but because the inhalers are so expensive we weren’t able to get her a full body scan. It was either inhaler or scan, then if the scan said she needed inhalers we’d be out of luck. So we went with the vet’s assumption of asthma and treated her condition as best we could.
I feel bad because I used the Devil Brush on her and pulled her skin and I spent a whole week suffering from guilt and not knowing what to do. And I still feel as though I added to her misery and worsened her condition and I’m a terrible person and…
But really, the reason why I bought the brush and started trying to groom her myself is because she hadn’t been grooming herself. Not for awhile. And she was having more asthma attacks where she would lay in the hallway and pant for breath.
There would be nights when I couldn’t sleep because I would worry that she would die and nobody would be there.
And I don’t really know what would have been worse: Being there when she passed away, or finding her stiff in the morning.
But this whole week has been so hard.
Cats and dogs come into our lives, and inevitably–for most of us–they leave first. And we’re forced to say goodbye before we’re ready.
POEM: For Lemon 1/26/24
I don’t know if there’s a heaven for cats
or what happens after any of us die
but I hope I see you again someday
somehow or somewhen
and I can touch your fur again
and stroke your soft head
and hear your little “Mew!” as you demand “More!”
To feel you wind around my legs
and hear your bell jingle as you run
so that I always know you’re there
even when you’re hiding under the chair
or running up and down the stairs
and peeking in and out of my room
letting me brush my hand down your back as I lay in bed.
The feel of your little feet on my chest
the pleasant feel of under your chin
the sight of you curled up in front of the heater
or taking up the whole chair
even though your body was small
your presence so much larger than the physical you
making me miss you like I lost a giant piece of my soul.
I wish I’d taken more pictures
and saved more memories
because the without you is forever
and I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again
or if this life was it
and our moments have passed
and I’ve lost my sweetest friend.
I hadn’t really been brushing Lemon because my brother took on the job. Every night he was using these two brush things and “torturing the cat”–which she loved and begged for. So I assumed that all her brushing needs were being handled and I did my usual petting her on the back and face.
But it turns out that he was actually only brushing the TOP of the cat. So her long fur was beautiful on the surface, and terribly matted underneath.
I should have just spent the money and bought the cat/dog shaver. I’m not a big fan of the lion cut, but when the fur is matted to the skin a shave is pretty much the only choice. As I learned.
Amazon: Oneisall Grooming Kit
I was thinking that there was a way to detangle/demat her fur without shaving because I didn’t do my research. Not until afterward.
I got a combo set of a detangling/dematting brush and comb. And I really thought it was cool… at first.
Detangling/dematting brush
I looked on the cat info sites, and one did a “top brush/comb” list that suggested different styles and uses. So I bought the little set and I used the brush and it was great. At first.
You use the side with the 9 teeth for dematting, and the other side for deshedding.
And Lemon didn’t complain or anything. She just laid in my lap and let me brush through her mats and I was pleased with the way they were coming out.
I brushed her for like 30 minutes until she made a “MEW!” And I checked and there was a BALD PATCH around her neck where her collar is. And the skin looked irritated but unbroken.
So I freaked out and got out a comb and a pair of scissors and I trimmed her hair on both sides of her body to see if there were any other sore spots she hadn’t complained about
And HOLY SHIT.
She’s currently got a cat mohawk, with the sides short and a four inch stripe down her back (where there weren’t any tangles). She looks so skinny and pathetic! I feel terrible for her.
But that dematting brush TORE HER SKIN. There’s a small circle above her back left leg, a larger circle against her ribs, and a HUGE circle on her shoulder. Like, you could see MEAT.
But there was no blood. It was just missing fur.
Still, I’m really scared I may have killed my cat 🙁
So I looked up what antiseptics can be used on cats, and it turns out you CAN’T use alcohol, peroxide, or Neosporin, all of which we had.
The only real choices are chlorhexidine or iodine, which need to be watered down.
So I made some saline solution out of warm water and salt and flushed out her wounds. Then I went online to order some next-day delivery antiseptic.
Amazon Basics Povidone-Iodine Solution
The iodine would come soonest, so I ordered it immediately for next day delivery along with a box of 100 individually wrapped sterile gauze pads.
It’s been several days and her little wounds have formed shallow scabs. But I’m still so scared. Those wounds look terrible.
The shaver I should have ordered in the first place came today. And now I’ve ordered some Vetericyn Antimicrobial Feline Wound Care spray because I’m not sure the iodine is working.
Amazon: Vetericyn Antimicrobial Feline Wound Care spray
For reals, I’ve wasted so much money in the last week. I should’ve just ordered the shaver, or after I screwed up I should have just ordered the Wound Care spray.
And I keep looking at her scabs and there’s a bit of redness around them and I keep wondering “Does that look infected? Do I need to get my brother to take her to the vet on his payday? What do I do?!?”
I’m just one big panicked flail away from knocking myself stupid at this point.
And, of course, Lemon is the one with the asthma. So on the regular there are days when she’s just laying around and everyone worries that she’s dying. Like, she’ll start gasping and choking, or she’ll just lay on the floor with her sides heaving, and that’s even with her Fluticasone Propionate inhaler.
We’re always really worried about her.
But right now with her wounds and her asthma and the way she lays around and she breathes so hard and looks so (I assume) miserable… I can’t tell if her wounds are infected and if she’s got a fever.
I’m so stressed out that she’s going to die. I’ve been having NIGHTMARES every night since the brushing catastrophe. And her scabbed-over wounds look so terrible that it’s not making me feel any better at all.
So I’ve been stressing out that I may have killed the cat.
And it’s always so terrible when a cat is sick or dies. Like, something happens and you do all that you can do, but it just goes wrong and that’s that. You feel like liquified shit. And you cry your eyes out. And you pack up their toys and all their stuff and you think you’re never going to get over it, but eventually you’re able to take a full breath again. And you think “Well, that’s life, isn’t it?”
But it’s so much differenter when you’re the one that fucked up. When something you’ve done with your own two hands results in them being sick or suffering or dying.
It feels so terrible. A heavy weight of guilt and concern and thoughts of “If I end up in Hell, the demons are going to torment me with all the pain I gave that poor cat with my stupidity. I can never be forgiven.”
Even now she’s sleeping on the chair in front of me and I’m afraid to go to bed because what if she dies? What if I’m not here and she goes into some kind of shock or something and she dies? And it’s all my fault, because she needs me and can’t call me because she’s a FUCKING CAT???
Lemon laying on chair
So yeah. I’ve been losing my mind. Not so quietly. At home.
