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I’m very much enjoying this Chinese novel I’m listening to.

I’m on like chapter 30.

But it’s like 1290 chapters all together.

So I’m not sure if the storyline is going to go to shit or not.

I won’t share the link to the site because they currently have a really big surprise-redirect problem. I now hover over the "NEXT" button and copy the link to the next chapter and paste-and-go.

My brain doesn’t sweat the machine translation.

I just picture a character-persona in my head–an archetype–and I plug it into the various stories and veg out. Just remember the main characters and the side characters and let the story read itself.

It’s probably why I like fandom so much. I just think of the main character as being some kind of amalgamation of various fandom characters.

And considering how many of the stories feature "livestream" content satisfies any need I have to watching YouTube "personality" videos, it’s almost catharsis.

Is that the word? Catharsis? That feeling when "your every prurient interest is satisfied and you don’t actually follow the lives of real people" translates to that same sense of satisfaction. And you don’t have to watch people ruin their lives in real time.

Like, everyone loves cute kid videos.

But there comes a point in sharing when it’s just TMI about people that aren’t capable of giving reasonable permission.

When a child’s real life becomes the center of "family monetization," there are always some rough–and terrible–spots.

I admire transparency while at the same time pointing out that a child has no ability to understand the realities of being a popular celebrity.

And there’s definitely a different vibe when a child has a contract and an agent and legal protections and when a child was the star of a short video that caught the interest of millions of people and now the parents have become "small local celebrities" with their easy acceptance of free stuff in the name of a child too young to create permanent memories.

Like, the ages of minor people really has to be taken into consideration when a "family channel" is exposing real lives under real names. So that even if the kid grows up to look completely different from their childhood selves… their childhood self is always the first result in searches.

And unless they’re a serious criminal that everyone should be wary around… You should not spend your whole adult life dealing with strangers coming up, knowing too much, and knowing the triggers to get you to either drop your guard or get you to react in preplanned ways.

Those children don’t have a sense of safety. And I don’t want to contribute to that "culture."

So I listen to Chinese novels. Because so many of them offer "livestream" scenarios.

• I’ve been waiting for these rechargeable batteries to charge for a very long time. Hm. * They’re the batteries for the TV. It’s hard to power it off without them.

• I don’t think all of our information should be gathered together and shared in a "public" database.

• Law Officers having my public data is of no big deal to me. (Like, you can’t come to a place of venting and then get angry that people are venting. // I don’t go around breaking the laws. I am a proponent of public safety–my concept is just broadened with the awareness of Bad Operators hustle-grabbing resources and having the tools to do Bad Things with needlessly gathered data.) Chuck from Value Save Grocery Dump should not have access to a page that lists all my data.
• Like, you were born with shit-tons of money. So much that you can’t spend it all in a single lifetime… and you’re gathering my data to sell to foreign countries and like dudes selling Fight Milk. // For what? // You’re so ridiculously wealthy that you can’t recognize that you don’t need to do shitty things to people that trust you?
• Like, you have so much money you have no real concept of money. ("How much could a banana cost? $12?") Stop gentrifying everywhere that you go! The rest of us don’t make much money. We can’t afford the high-prices your stupidity is setting.

For reals, yo: I believe that people should have the opportunity to be wealthy.

Maybe my definition of "wealthy" is different from your own.

I think a person that never has to worry about paying for food; for shelter; for parking;, should not have the option to speak on things they don’t understand. You’re wealthy.

I know it’s hard to believe, but having gadgets and gizmos in a household that can’t afford heat or nutritional food and sustainable cleaning supplies is not comfortable or nice. Living paycheck to paycheck is not stress-free.

If you can live every day of your life without having to worry that you or members of your family or friend-circle can or will end up homeless, then you are wealthy. You will likely live a longer lifespan because you’re not being stressed out by needless worry.

"Needless worry?" Needless worry.

In a working society, every citizen would receive a living amount of money and the work they did would be bonus.

I know it doesn’t sound like it would work, but I think it would.

In a working society.

We are at a stage right now where money is being hoarded by a small amount of people that seem to think the game Monopoly is how society should work. Like, "Look at me! I have all the money and all the hotels and all the resources and now you’ve stepped on the wrong square! Pay me money!" can in any way work in real life. It’s such a simplistic view.

I guess I think the economy is a beautiful thing. (Smooth, dappled slug-like skin, but not mucousy. Just dry patterned skin that isn’t too slimy or too dry; a perfect bumpy surface, like the memory of a childhood playground. As long as it keeps moving, it’s a supple beauty. But when it’s held too tightly or roughly handled, it can flail or peel its skin, becoming dry and flaky. It’s a beauty that can only ever be brushed against. Not trapped or hindered in its pursuit of its own nature.)

I don’t understand a whole lot about the economy. I would never claim any kind of expertise.

But as an outside observer, I can’t help thinking that a working economy must be like the unicorn from "Legend."

Depending on your level of moral decay, the way you handle the economy results in ever worsening results for the world around you.

I mean, I want to think that there are good people in the world.

It’s comforting to know there are good people in the world.

And I want to believe that if given a choice, every person would choose to be good.

Its why I’m somehow always so shocked when I hear a story about a boss doing something terrible to their employees. When I hear about a politician running on a "I care about the people!" platform turning out to be a pedophile, a grave robbing freak, or a big game hunter.

But then again…

I don’t know why, but of late, seeing an actual competent and good boss doing their job in a fair to everyone way has been shocking to me. (It was a manga, but the boss was completely and totally fair in his treatment of everyone involved in the situation. Even gives the main character a fair punishment, and after they discuss things the main character accepts that the punishment they’d received was a fair thing. Nobody got mad. They continued going to work and living their lives.)

How long has it been since I’ve watched a movie or TV show where the person in charge doesn’t abuse their position.

We’ve normalized people being bad to each other at work. Of inappropriate interoffice interactions,:

• where the boss makes disparaging comments toward an employee, resulting in other employees treating the person badly
• where the boss is in love with the employee, showing their love by giving the employee an unearned promotion, peacocking around other employees who then treat the person differently, and/or having sexual feelings at work
• where employees scheme together to steal from the employer, whether by actually taking money or doing malicious things aimed toward customers

Like, you’re not a slave dude. You can quit. There is hopefully some kind of clause in your contract where you can peacefully separate from your employment company. Where you still receive the unemployment money but don’t do something completely bonkers.

Any creature would struggle if caught in a trap.

Forcing someone to remain working at your company via bonds of money is a basic understanding of the economy. It brings in money, but leads to dissatisfied employees. And those that are only working for you because they either want to be fired or abused by you in a cashable way so they can quit are not the best employees. And depending on their level of vexation, they could spread murmurs amongst other employees or spit in someone’s hamburger.

Having a business that has an internal protocol to be able to Terminate With Cause any employee that wants to quit but refuses to quit so as to receive the unemployment payout. So the only choice the employee has is to quit and give up a possibly necessary chunk of money. Which means making plans to quit while squirreling away money to use when they are finally able to quit.

Why hold onto employees that no longer want to work at your company? Pay them their unemployment fund and let them walk away. They might even spread word that you were a fair employer to them.

"But it’s $10,000/$50,000/$100,000"–who cares? You have an employee that no longer wants to work at your company. Give them an amicable split and let them go.

"But my business is unable to draw up that money and pay it out" and blah blah. If the employment contract stipulates that the payout amount changes depending on how long the employee works there… Well, obviously you’d be setting aside money every day your employee worked for you. That would be part of the public funds of your company, the ones that you should be able to explain to people without side-eyed looks and shady explanations.

And even if those public funds are only collecting interest at the bank… You would likely end up saving more money than the employee termination amount turns out to be. And if you’ve got fifty employees, even if one employee has a monstrous payout amount… the public fund would be able to pay it while still maintaining payout amounts for every other employee.

---

In a working society, every citizen would have a place to live. Basic amenities that would be provided without sneering looks or rude social commentary. Paid for out of tax money. Taxes based on income.

It seems like it wouldn’t work.

"If everyone has everything they need just handed to them… why would they want to work?" Because people want beautiful clothes. Fun electronics. Delicious food professionally cooked by someone else. They want recreational substances and the dream of being able to go on a great vacation. They want to give memorable presents to the children in their family.

"Realtors would go out of business!" If a basic housing amount chit is presented along with more money, people could buy houses and apartments to live in. So realtors would still be selling property. And they could also do the job of collecting rent–like, if they’re quality realtors, they would have the kind of reputation where the customer doesn’t have to worry that the property owner will lie and say they never received the rent check. (For reals, yo: There are some important payments that deserve a paper record. You should be able to call the bank and track where the money went and when.)

"Grocery stores would run out of money!" Why? If the government reimbursed them for the Bonus Bucks, they would get paid. And they would likely have to adhere to certain standards of pricing and food quality. (Like, there’s a four pack of ramen that the local mid-level grocery store charges $13.99 for it… when the regular store sells it for $6.)

I hate dented cans. Even if I can tell myself "You examined the can, it’s a ‘safe dent.’" I still find it hard to eat it. I stress myself out worrying about food poisoning because I can’t afford to call an ambulance. And what if I call a taxi to take me? If it’s nothing that needs more than over-the-counter medical treatment… that’s money wasted on a car ride I didn’t need to take. PLUS the time wasted in the ER waiting to be seen.

I consider the cost of the can and the imagined amount of medical fees, and there have been times when I’ve made the hard decision to throw away what might have been poisonous food.

I wouldn’t waste food if I had the assurance that all medical-related expenses would be covered. Not a single money-related stressor.

But I don’t have that. So I tend to avoid garbage food even if there’s nothing else I want to eat. Because there’s no amount of food ingredients I’m willing to die for. But I’m not currently to the point of starving. So I don’t know what I’d be willing to eat if there was no other choice.

Like, all those people that are like "I’d be willing to eat a person to survive" might have second thoughts if the choice was eating a plate of wriggling maggots.

We all want to imagine that we’re tough enough to handle any situation we find ourselves in. But the truth is that you never know how strong you are until something unexpected happens.

And when there are wealthy people stepping on the heads of the poor to be able to claim "Look at me! I collected all the fungible tokens that represent food, clothing, and personal safety! I’m a winner!" While not having the self-awareness to realize that eventually the people will respond in a negative, likely head-choppy way.

Monopoly is a fantasy world game. A shallow glimpse at the first steps of predatory capitalism without exploring any further into the subject. There’s only the "I’ve taken all the resources. I win!" stage of predatory capitalism, not the "pushback of the masses" stage that swiftly follows.

Once people are no longer able to afford watching videos or eating Top Ramen, the violence is an inevitable consequence.

I’m pretty sure that the last two pictures didn’t have a logo in them. I jumped the commercial back and paused the image to look, and I didn’t see an Adult Swim logo anywhere.

Talk about causing mental distress. It would be torture for someone with OCD. Boo, Adult Swim, boo I say.

There’s been a couple of times when I’ve wondered if Adult Swim is just playing tricks on viewers. Now I’m fairly sure that they’ve been fucking with us. If true… what a diabolical mindfuck they’ve been playing.

Dia-boli-cal.

Calling in from Outer Space
to speak the speak,

to say the say.
Drifting, boundless,
flailing scream,
unable to catch
but afraid to release.

I have just smoked weed for the first time in like a year. I sneaked a little without asking (sorry, bro 😬).

I am currently listening to a translated Chinese novel. I have learned that my Safari can read the pages for me. I no longer have to worry about going blind from reading a phone screen. This is good.

Thank you for the book Kevin. I’m pretty sure I picked it up 🫦 but I will check when I am able to pull myself together enough to do so.

You know. Sorry.

---

I am trying not to sound like an asshole. Like, a whole transcript of smooth words flowed through my brain… but now I’m sitting at the keyboard and the words shift in tone.

In my head, I am naturally breezy and pleasant.

When I let my brain do the thinking, I end up sounding like a jerk.

No explanation.

Right now the Brain Thinky Thoughts are running through my head, but I’m letting myself ignore them. My fingers fly across the keyboard and the words appear on the screen, and I am reading them with you.

Does anyone else feel like that?

Sometimes I don’t think I’m the person controlling the body.

I’m here, but it’s like standing in the background, watching a movie from the inside. Able to say "Hey, that’s stupid, don’t do that!" Able to seize some semblance of body control when things start going off the rails. But mostly standing in the background, watching.

I don’t know how to describe the thing I have. In my head. Like, when you live with something, you don’t have to name it with words.

It lives in your head! The mental illness.

When you try to put it into words, you release like a cloud of what other people would describe as nonsense. Incoherency given form: loud words you can’t hold back even after you realize you’re speaking nonsense.

Mental illness is a bitch.

And that’s not saying that mental illness is a woman. That femininity is instantly tied with mental illness in your mental rolodex of "words-that-have-concept and sound" you store in your head.

"Bitch" does not mean female. It’s a genderless term when applied to a human being.

"Bitch is a term applied to animals.

Therefore, when used toward a human, it can and should be used for both men and women. And, just like "fuck" it, it is the tone and context by which it is used that gives meaning to the term; whether conversational filler or an insult.

So like, by that terminology, it can be understood that mental illness is a horrible and terrible thing. And it can be something bubbly and fun.

I am by nature a melancholy soul. Too inside my own self.

I guess I must seem like a ghost in the crowd. Eyes distant or jerking back and forth with frightening intensity as I twitch and hum in place.

I realize I look like a freak.

But you don’t know what wonder my brain is producing.

I’ve been told before that marijuana isn’t healthy. Isn’t good for me.

I’ve stopped smoking for like a year now.

This is the first time I’ve smoked in a year.

And I hate to admit it, but I’ve nearly stopped writing as well. Not to say I haven’t been creating. It’s just that it’s in a format I’m unable to share with you.

Because it’s all written in mental health shorthand. And I haven’t been smoking. Haven’t been anything but myself.

Medication lies me straight, but flat. Marijuana lets me put my thoughts into words that I’m able to share with other people, but also makes me paranoid as fuck. And me alone… well. (Sometimes I can hold it together; sometimes I’m an airhead. Sometimes I sound like I’ve got a handle on a situation when I’m only really remembering half the words. The concept–the overarching theme–of the conversation and I’ll barely remember it happened later. Though parts will have laser like focus.)

And all the time, mental illness is smiling at me. The way she does. And we’re having a good time.

Medication doesn’t take the mental illness away. It just lets me pass through the crowds of people and keep up while walking in the same direction. Able to make turns and to dodge. But it’s like I hyper-focus? I get so frazzled while so consciously aware of myself that it’s exhausting. I become too exhausted to write.

I can keep a linear chronology of events–the things that have and have not been done–and that’s really helpful. Because mental illness makes it so that things that just happened sometimes feel like a long time ago, while things that happened a long time ago sometimes feel as though they happened yesterday.

Fresh and raw. Unimportant. Cutting wounds made by words that feel as though they were just said.

I think the medication is supposed to make my brain keep an order of events while numbing the sharper edges of my imagination.

Like, my mental illness is disorder. Time is a mess in my head. I can look at something and my brain will produce a whole story. Just, a complete lifetime of events that becomes richer and stronger the more I look, the more items that are added to the story, each clamoring with their own backstory of how they ended up in the room.

And like, there are a lot of stories in my head. I see something or smell something or think something… and my brain feeds me a whole story.

I read stories and watch movies and TV and consume other peoples’ creations. And it all adds to the stories my brain is constantly creating. Giving words to the images my brain is feeding me. Because while it’s not like seeing events, it’s like an unfolding of a whole life. And I just don’t have the words to describe what I’m knowing.

It’s hard to explain. It sounds chaotic and frightening when I try to explain it to other people, and that’s a failure of words on my part. Because you don’t know how amazing it all is.

I’m not sure if my brain produces dopamine when I’m consuming media, but it’s definitely doing something.

When a story is unfolding for me, even ones created by other people, I enjoy it. I can’t stop until it’s done because knowing the ending is pleasurable. Satisfying. Needful.

And having to stare at a screen to consume the content… It hurts my eyes sure. But it also means that I can’t do anything else while it happens.

Trapped by my mental illness. Standing or sitting while staring at a screen in my hand. Consuming the words with my eyes.

And like, I realize that listening to the stories isn’t much better for other people trying to talk to me. But it lets me do other things at the same time. Washing dishes. Folding laundry. Getting up to go to the bathroom.

So I’m glad of finding out how well my phone reads webpages to me.

---

Sometimes I wish there was a technology that let me share my thoughts with the world. Not all of them, but the ones that I want to share.

So when a story unfolds you’d be able to hear the words that I hear as a story is instantly transported into my head.

It’s like, other peoples’ content is laid out for me in real time. It can take hours or days, but it’s all linear and requires a lot of focus on my part. While the stories I think up myself are instantly experienced. Those little fireworks of dopamine rather than the slow fire of reading or hearing the stories at 1x speed.

So being able to vocalize or write down my stories is hard. Because I experienced it all in one burst, a flood of words, and what I write down or talk about later is only me trying to describe the story I experienced.

And I’m sorry about that.

That you can’t see what I see.

And it makes me wish there was a technology to share my words with a thought. And I know there’s similar concepts out there being tested and manufactured right now, but they’re not developed in ways that I want.

The technology isn’t there yet.

And I’m not sure I’d be willing to use it if it was ever really made.

Because we’ve all been taught and proven that people with money can have a "trusted" company break the law at their crazy whim. And I’m just not ready to put my brain in the position of having to deal with a billionaire forcing through "updates" that cause the machinery to freeze and shut off. Not when that machinery is connected to my head.

It’s unfortunate that rich people have ruined all the fun things in life.

"Well yeah. They’ve made it illegal for me to drain my car oil right next to the ocean like they used to do in the 40s and 50s when I was a child or unborn" is NOT what I mean.

I want and support laws that prevent murder and desecration, that protect the lives and safety and environments of animals and human beings. Laws that are supposed to remind people that the planet is shared property, no matter what some individuals and groups try to tell themselves and others. Laws that protect everyone no matter who they happen to be.

I’m talking about the real fun things that are being ruined by people with the money to make things miserable for everyone. Because they want to.

Like, selfishness is bad enough. Rich people paying money to not get in trouble or to keep from going to jail is always annoying, especially when they do the kinds of things that deserve punishment and public recrimination. Rich people paying to put their kids in expensive schools and paying for extracurricular activities while blocking the public from using the local swimming pool or the public library is the next step beyond selfishness. And it’s gross.

I’m talking about rich people using their money to change the rules in their own favor. Or at their own whim. Throwing in religion and free speech and whine-crying about how the majority of people don’t want to do whatever nonsense they’re trying to force down everyone’s throats.

It’s rich people hiring local degenerates to involve themselves in local school boards and local governments that they otherwise wouldn’t have bothered with because they don’t usually vote or they don’t have children in the district.

It’s rich people destroying natural environmental monuments and shrugging and not being punished. Because "The kids decided to knock the rock formation off the cliff. They were worried about public safety. I decided to let them do it because they sounded so responsible and I’m not saying that because their parents paid me money to protect them and take part of the blame as the only adult that should have stopped them" combined with a bunch of money shouldn’t be able to wash away the horror of what they did.

It’s rich people collaborating to take over the government of a whole country just to get the right to tell people how to live. And never realizing that they’re putting complete monsters in charge of everything that matters in their own lives too. Because they’re so fucking stupid. And they don’t read real history books and they don’t know that one of the big things that happens when things go wrong in a country is that the rich people get their doors kicked in and their houses and money confiscated when their "super great for the country new government" turns out to be just another fascist regime.

We don’t need kings or emperors or czars or grand high mugwumps or whatever they want to call it when one family is forcibly put in charge of the rest of us.

We need a government that works. That cares about the people, no matter how stupid they are, while at the same time keeping the dangerous from oppressing the regular people. That protects the environment and supports the expansion of technology and provides medical care in all its forms for every person in an affordable way.

I mean, it’s probably not fair to charge everyone for medical treatment on a sliding scale. Because, while it’s helpful for people that can’t pay, if rich people were charged on the scale they would have to pay much higher amounts.

It’s not fair… But.

How fair is it that rich people use their stock in medical companies and hospitals to require high costs for treatments that other countries provide free to their citizens?

How fair is it that rich people can pay money to keep from going to prison… when they have stock in private prisons that they will never be sentenced to? To take over public punishment facilities and torture the inmates by denying medical care, education opportunities, requiring forced labor to replace actual rehabilitation programs while using money to keep their loved ones from ever being sentenced to those facilities?

Rich people have stripped the fun out of everyday life. Because they want to. Because they want to do what they want more than they care about public safety, and they don’t care about public safety at all.

So, I’m not going to trust a billionaire with my brain. With my health. With my safety. With my money.

Especially since different billionaires pulling different tricks for their own profits have damaged the laws that are supposed to protect everyone. Like, to the point of ignoring public safety to squeeze the most money out of their chicken farms and pork processing plants and sugar plantations. To the point of being able to shrug and not get in trouble for cyber security breaches as long as they send a "We’re sorry" letter?

Your brakes won’t work. Your airbag exploded. Your coffee was 300-degrees. Your brain has been fried.

"We’re sorry 🤷🏻‍♂️."

I want to share my thoughts with you… But I also want to protect my thoughts as well.

Even if the technology is created, it’s not something I want to mess with if someone with more money than sense can walk into a room and order the technicians to force-through "updates" and I don’t have the option to receive notification much less the ability to stop it.

Like, if someone has the ability to brick a device someone paid for… there should be laws to guide how and when they’re able to do it. Making negative comments about the owner of the company shouldn’t mean having your device switched off. Especially when it’s something that effects a person’s life and safety.

Being kicked off a website is emotionally hurtful. But having your optical device or your vehicle or your cellphone switched off on an angry whim should not be allowed.

People need to get where they’re going safely. They shouldn’t have to worry that necessary communications will be switched off or downgraded during a disaster situation.

A rich person should not be able to poke their nose into a deadly situation and waste everyone’s time just because they want to be part of the conversation.

Laws have been warped and twisted and made ineffective by rich people pushing their own agendas. And it’s more than gross.

---

I’ve been away in my own head and I wish I could share it all with you… But we’re stuck with my clumsy fingers and limited vocabulary to try and put everything into sharable words.

I try my best. But I know it’s not good enough. But you can at least catch a glimpse of a little bit of what my brain produces.

Coming soon.