Mailed

Every person that’s reached adulthood has that moment when they wonder how their life turned out like this. Mine came as I was racing down the highway trying to shoot out the tires of my drug dealer’s ’64 Impala.

I’ll be honest, I’m not much of a drug user. A little weed, a little speed, it’s enough to keep me mellow and focused depending on the day of the week. The staying skinny thing is just a perk, I promise you. I’m not an addict or anything. Though I will admit that there have been times when events have gotten a bit away from me. Like when I went on my little joy ride–weaving in and out of traffic, taking aim with my arm stuck out the window. It seems a little much when you think about it. But it was exciting too. Like being part of an action movie.

GLASSES — I ordered new glasses from Coastal and they arrived today, which is pretty awesome, since I wasn’t expecting them until tomorrow. I chose Touch 104 black by Alyssa Milano, and they are a nice looking pair. Though I do wish that they had a nose grip (?) as they slide down a bit, and I maybe should have stuck to the basic lenses so that I could get two different pairs for $100 versus only being able to afford one pair for $158. But the Kodak blue reflected lenses seemed right up my alley, as they’re supposed to prevent eyestrain while using a phone, computer, or tablet.

When I went in for my eye exam, I got my contact lens prescription updated as well, so it’s not like I’m going to be wearing my glasses all the time. It seemed like a good deal, since I was at the Walmart Vision Center anyway, and altogether the whole ordeal cost me $100.

So, if you’re looking to get your eyes checked, my suggestion is to go to Walmart, get your prescription, then pick up your glasses from Coastal. They’ve always got discounts and deals happening, and you really don’t want to miss their BOGO (buy one, get one) events. Especially if you’ve got a kid with bad eyes and you’re going to have to resize as the kid’s head grows, as they tend to do.

Anyways. I’ve got new glasses. Expect more writing from me, as I can finally see again. Yay.

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THE NEWSROOM — If you’ve got Amazon Prime, you might want to give “The Newsroom” with Jeff Daniels a try. It’s an Aaron Sorkin production and it’s incredibly good. It definitely makes me wish that we had some proper news broadcasts on television, as I don’t tune to the news to be entertained (or bored outta my mind, as CNN seemingly tries to do. I mean, seriously, I get that your target audience is the over-50 crowd and your angle is fear mongering, but wow. You can’t complain that the young people don’t want to watch your channel when all your channel does is regurgitate the same five stories over and over again. You’re lazy. Do your fokking jobs and give people the news. But whatever).

Basically, Will McAvoy (Jeff Daniels) is the host of “News Night with Will McAvoy” at the fictional ACN (Atlantis Cable News) channel. He has a popular show and caters to his audience, until he is assigned a new EP (executive producer) Mackenzie McHale (Emily Mortimer), his ex-girlfriend that he’s still in love with. You’d think that it would be all about hurt feelings and romantic drama, but even though there’s some of that happening, it’s really about the news, focusing on events that happened in real life (the 2010 Presidential election, Benghazi, etc).

It’s a great show. Give it a chance. And I’m totally in love with Neal (Dev Patel) even though he kept trying to push the idea that Bigfoot is real.

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SPAGHETTI — I have been craving and eating a ridiculous amount of spaghetti. I wonder if I have worms, ha. Like, I have literally climbed out of bed to cook spaghetti in the middle of the night.

I’ve even started writing a short story that’s called “Spaghetti at Midnight.” Expect it to make an appearance at Kimichee.

Meanwhile, nom nom nom, I will continue to eat the noodly deliciousness with my sauce of choice, Chunky Prego. I even use Prego when I make lasagna or pizza. It’s my go-to sauce and I would marry it if spaghetti sauce marriage was legal in my state. (It is not. And Kim Davis would refuse to do her job if it was.)

How do people do the freelance writer thing? It seems near to impossible to me. But then again, there are some days when I can barely crawl my way out of bed.

There are times when the dom/sub, master/slave, caretaker/caretook dynamic of fiction is really appealing to me. Because for sure, I cannot take care of myself. I’m not being facetious or anything. I literally have doubts about my ability to care for myself. And that’s frightening.

I’m tired of being scared. I would like to live a somewhat normal life. Where there’s always food in the fridge and clothes to wear. Maybe a strong partner that can handle home repairs as easily as they succeed at their career.

I hate the anxieties that eat away at me. From the things I cannot handle (house, car, boat, life) on my own to what direction I’m supposed to be moving in. The future seems so uncertain. And I know there are some days when I won’t leave my house.

It’s weird. To be so comfortable in the box that I can’t get myself to leave it. Though sometimes it’s not so comfortable, yet I’d rather endure some self-imposed hardship than go to the store. Because I hate that people look at me (chest, butt, face, teeth) and try to force-meet my eyes. And I hate that sometimes I relish their gazes (commanding the room) and other times I want to cringe away (stop staring at me! I belong to myself).

And in all that confusion — where I find myself running calculations on notebook paper just to experience some semblance of control — it’s easy to lose track of time.

Unless I can find someone to manage me, I despair of ever having a lucrative freelance career.

I’m just too terrified to reach out for that golden opportunity. And those times when I feel brave enough to take on the whole world… I’m manic and should not be trusted with anyone’s heart.

I try to stay out of most political debates, for my own safety, if nothing else. I do have very strong opinions though, and there are times when I feel the need to step up and share a few of them. For the greater good, as it were.

The push to defund Planned Parenthood is something I need to address. It is really important for the health and safety of millions of women in our country. They need Planned Parenthood to stay open, offering medical care that they can afford.

Where the money goes:
42% STI/STD Testing & Treatment
34% Contraception
11% Other Women’s Health Services
9% Cancer Screening and Prevention
3% Abortion Services*
1% Other Services

*Government funding does not support this service.

The defunding of Planned Parenthood would mean wives, mothers, sisters, and daughters would lose their main health care provider. If they can afford it they can switch to more expensive alternatives. If they can’t afford it, they die or suffer in silence.

My mother formed a horrifying melanoma on her back. It was a dark splotch growing between her shoulder blades. By the time she realized it was there, the nodule had formed tendrils and was reaching into her chest cavity. Until someone pointed out how bad that spot looked, she thought she had a weird zit that wouldn’t go away.

I paid thousands and thousands of dollars (all of my savings, including the Kid’s college fund) so she could get spot treatments — they would point a laser directly at the nodule and irradiate just that area. She was so relieved not to have to go through chemo therapy — she was terrified of losing her hair. But it worked. The cancer was gone and she was okay, and life went on.

Until nearly two years later when she collapsed. Somehow, all unknowing, cigarettes worked their nefarious magic. Doctors thought she was suffering from heart failure, but instead it was non-small lung cancer and it was bad. I was told she had three months to live.

She died 9 days later. She was 50.

I went from planning how to care for my dying mother on less than $200 a month (all that was left after paying rent, utilities, and paying for childcare for the Kid) to not having a mother at all. It was a shock.

And when I think about it now, I’m sad that the clinic she went to for after care never gave her full cancer screenings. I’m mad that she hid her shortness of breath from me because she knew I couldn’t afford to take care of her and a child at the same time. And I’m angry at myself that there ever had to be a debate about how we could pay for the doctor recommended treadmill test.

That’s right. When I finally noticed how she was struggling to breathe and how her “cold” was lingering for so long, I made her go to the doctor. Without medical insurance, it cost $300 up front for her to get a check up — which involved a doctor listening to her heart and taking some blood and telling her she needed a stress test. Only that test was going to cost $500 I didn’t have.

I told her to wait. I couldn’t afford the test on Tuesday, so she would have to make an appointment for the following Monday. In the meantime, I made arrangements to move her in with me. We gathered up all her things on Thursday and I showed her the condo I’d rented. She collapsed on Friday night while I was at work.

The most terrible thing in the world is to hear that your mother has collapsed and the local clinic has sent her to the hospital, and then to not be told what hospital she’s at. I spent most of the first day trying to be strong in front of the Kid while I frantically called around, trying to find my mother.

Life is hard. Sometimes terrible things happen and there’s nothing you can do about them.

And sometimes, terrible things happen that could have been prevented if people weren’t so greedy and mean.

My mother died and I don’t think I’m ever going to get over it. The things I did, the things I didn’t do, and the kindnesses I didn’t show her when I could. And then there’s that fucking $500 stress test.

Maybe if I could have afforded the test I would have had my mother for that extra three months. Or maybe she still would have died in a hospice gasping for breath, only coherent long enough to push the morphine button. But at the very least, my brothers and my sister would have been able to come and say goodbye to her before an intern punctured her left ventricular aorta and forced emergency heart surgery she was too weak to recover from.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Cancer screening and prevention is very important. If cancer is caught early, the chances of survival and remission are much higher than if it spreads.

And sure, 9% doesn’t seem like very much money. But that’s 9% of $840.5 MILLION dollars. How many $500 stress tests and $2000 scans can $75,645,000 pay for? How many lives would that save — not just the women that receive that vital early warning, but their children, their spouses, and their parents?

How much money are the lives of women worth? And how much of an asshole does someone have to be to put those lives at risk to make a point that doesn’t need making?

There is for damned sure a war on women happening right now. And it’s not just men targeting them, it’s other women that are in a more financially stable situation taking potshots and destroying opportunities for no good reason.

I’m sorry, but if you’re attacking other people so you can stay at the top of the economic hill, then check yo’self. You need to take a deep, long look at who you are and who you want to be.

So to all the politicans out there pushing lies about Planned Parenthood and using it as your platform to get into office or to make a ton of money on the lobby circuit after you’re out of office… What is wrong with you?

Government funds do not pay for abortions. That’s part of the law. To say otherwise when you’re in a position to know better makes you EVIL and a liar.

Planned Parenthood is vital to the health and well-being of our nation. Because when a woman dies, a light goes out in the world. And someone loses their mom, their daughter, their sister, their aunt, their grandmother, their bus driver, their teacher, their coworker, their friend.

And how tragic to find out that loss could have been prevented if she only had reliable health care.