My brother is pretty heated right now. Like to the point that if that woman shows up again he’s probably going to chuck a rock through her car window.
I know that sounds pretty bad, but here’s the story:
Yesterday I was sitting on the porch minding my own business with my dog at my side. A red car drives down the hill and stops next to the lilac bush next to our driveway. I thought the driver was just making a phone call or something, until I started hearing the click-click of clippers.
I yelled at her to “Hey, stop! That’s our bush!” But she just clipped faster. Then I got to her car and I start yelling at her, and she pulls out the “I didn’t know anyone lived here. I just thought it was a vacant lot. I was just picking some of these for my sick daughter and blah blah blah.”
I was so pissed off, but there wasn’t anything I could do short of pulling her out of her car and beating her up. Which if you know me, would never happen. Damn my passive-aggressive tendencies.
I’m more the kind of person that will avoid personal confrontration, then lay out a bunch of caltrops and metal spikes to mess up her car if she thinks she’s going to do that again. Already we’re planning to put some heavy rocks there so no one will have room to park. It was already annoying enough that people thought it was cool to use our driveway as their phone break stop.
Anyways, my brother got back today and went to look at the bush and he’s really mad. He says people have cut off all the flowers on the side facing the street, just big chunks cut off.
I know someone out there is like “Well, it’s just a bush. The flowers will grow back next year.” Unfortunately, there’s a good chance that because of the damage our bush won’t be rounded and nice to look at anymore, but all spiky and ugly.
So thanks lady. I’m sure you won’t be upset when I come to your house and just take whatever I want. I’ll use the lame excuse that my dog is sick and needs some flowers/garden hoses/hubcaps/planters and I’m sure you’ll be all cool with that.
And by the way, she was driving a brand new expensive car. Like expensive enough that she could have totally afforded buying some flowers. She just thought she could help herself.
And she brought her own clippers to do it.
So be on the lookout for a fake redhead woman, about 50-65, slender build, fake attitude, dresses like she thinks she’s going boating. And just to let you know, she is going to be dying a series of gruesome deaths for the next several years, and if I do a good enough job, she might even recognize herself.
