12 Days of Xmas: A Little Big Problem

A LITTLE BIG PROBLEM

The turkey was too big. Stace moved it around on the counter and for a moment a sense of helplessness nearly overwhelmed her.

Her oven had been broken for months. She’d been making due with a toaster oven and a microwave that had a “conventional oven” function. This turkey was too big for either.

When she ordered the turkey from the grocery store, she’d assumed it was a small turkey based on the price. She’d imagined something the size of a football maybe, compact and easy to handle.

This was a full-sized turkey. It was heavy and frozen and took up a good portion of the small kitchen counter.

After staring at it for a long while, she shoved it into the refrigerator for future-her to handle. Then she went into the living room to watch the rest of the Chinese drama she’d started earlier. It wasn’t very good but the female lead was pretty and she wanted to know how things were going to turn out. (There was an awkward “will they, won’t they” between the female lead and the two male leads.)

Thoughts of the turkey now taking up most of the fridge hovered in Stace’s mind. She firmly pushed them away.

Future-her would figure things out.

. *. *. *.

It took days for the turkey to defrost. By the time she poked it and felt some give, she’d come up with a plan of attack.

When her parents and brother showed up she would have a turkey dinner ready to eat. No signs that she’d struggled to sleep with thoughts of turkey on her mind.

She spent Christmas morning preparing the turkey.

First she cut a garbage bag open and covered the counter. Then she got out several big knives and a large serrated knife. She didn’t have a wide range of cutting tools in her arsenal, but she hoped her few big knives were sharp enough.

She arranged the square Pyrex dish that fit in the microwave next to the garbage bag. After thinking, she also readied the toaster oven pan by lining it with tinfoil. She lay a glass cutting board on top of the garbage bag.

Then she got the turkey out of the fridge and pulled on a pair of disposable gloves.

She stood there for a long while, unmoving. Once she opened the turkey, that was it. There would be no turning back.

The turkey juices would be released and she would have to deal with the intimidating situation before her. There would be no going back once she breached the plastic.

Stace drew in a deep breath, then used the serrated knife to slice the plastic. She cut at the top of the turkey and peeled the plastic down. The pooling fluids were all at the bottom, and she was careful when lifting the turkey up and pulling the plastic free.

She lay the turkey on the cutting board and bundled the discarded plastic together, careful not to let any of the blood escape. She was glad the garbage can had a foot pedal and she could easily throw away the plastic.

Then she faced the large raw turkey. There were dimples here and there on the smooth skin and the red dot of the doneness button.

She pulled the bag of giblets and organ meat out of the cavity and set them to one side of the cutting board. Then she used a little effort and pulled the red button out of the turkey. The inner stem was white plastic and sharpened like a golf tee.

She tossed the turkey neck into a saucepan before taking up a slender knife and beginning to cut.

She struggled through removing the drumsticks and wings. It wasn’t as easy as she’d imagined it would be, and at one point a bone popped apart and juices splattered across the front of her shirt. It made her shudder in disgust but she couldn’t stop cutting.

She had two aprons but both were dirty. She felt that she should have washed at least one. Who would have thought that a turkey could be so messy?

She put the drumsticks and wings in the Pyrex pan. She would season and bake them in the microwave.

She cut off the breasts and lay them on the toaster oven pan. Then she messily removed other slices to lay on the pan.

Stace cocked her head, gauging the size of the carcass. It was much smaller than when she’d started, but still big with all the bones.

She glanced at the empty stock pot waiting on the stove. It was tall but narrow, more of a fashion accessory than the tool of an experienced chef. She’d bought it on sale and had never used it for cooking. It mostly stored unopened bags of sugar, flour, and rice. Which were now stacked on the bread machine that took up too much counter space in her small kitchen.

She tried to visually measure the size of the turkey carcass and the stock pot. It looked like it would be a tight fit. There was still a lot of meat on the bones, but she didn’t have any other pans ready to hold the raw meat.

Finally she decided “Fuck it!” and sawed at the bones, hoping to split the rib cage in half.

It didn’t work. Her knife wasn’t sharp enough and she became scared that she would accidentally stab herself if she didn’t stop.

Stace picked up the carcass and carried it to the stove. With a bit of effort she was able to force it into the stock pot. On one side there was a lot of empty space and the other side was full, but the bones refused to bend in any useful way. She pushed the bones all the way down to the bottom of the pot and told herself it was good enough.

Then she realized that she’d dripped turkey juice on the floor. And stepped in it.

Cursing to herself, she went back to the counter and gathered up the knives and cutting board and put them in the sink. Then she carefully bundled the garbage bag and put it in the trash can before pulling off the dirty gloves and dropping them in.

Then she washed her hands and got out bleach wipes to first wipe the bottom of her slipper and then the floor. Then she used more wipes to disinfect the counter and anywhere else that could’ve been contaminated by her messy turkey handling.

After washing her hands again, she set about cooking three kinds of turkey. Baked, broiled, and souped.

And she promised herself that unless she somehow managed to move into a place with a real kitchen–or got a working oven–she would never buy a full-sized turkey again.

It wasn’t just a lot of effort. It was gross. Especially the spatters on the front of her shirt.

. *. *. *.

By the time her parents and brother showed up at noon, Stace’s smile was back to bright and cheery. She’d showered and changed into a particularly ugly Christmas sweater and she’d exchanged the broiled turkey in the toaster oven for a small pan of green bean casserole. The dinner rolls were baking in the microwave. The only turkey still cooking was the soup simmering in the stock pot, to which she’d added some chopped yellow onions and carrot peels for flavor.

She accepted the hugs and kisses from her family, and took the large plate of sugar cookies to the coffee table in the living room. They’d be perfect to snack on while watching their annual movie marathon.

Her heart was light as she cued up the first movie: the director’s cut of “Alien.”

They sat down and watched the first part of the movie, and after the crew had their terrible meal, they moved to the dining room to enjoy their own Christmas dinner. Stace thanked her brother when he complimented the pattern of 8-bit xenomorph eggs decorating her red and green knit sweater.

She turned and lifted her hair to show him the back with the black alien queen on it. His clear envy made her laugh in delight.

The family talked and ate while Ripley battled aliens in the background. Then they went in the living room to watch the second and third movies. Halfway through the fourth movie they ate turkey noodle soup with crackers.

And it was a good Christmas. Because they were together. And nobody mentioned the mauled appearance of the broiled turkey or that the drumsticks and wings had obviously been cooked separately from the bird.

Everything had come together in the end. They were well-fed and well-entertained and she was no longer haunted by thoughts of a waiting turkey.

She didn’t let herself think of all the dishes waiting for her in the sink and on the counter. That was future-her’s problem.

=END=